www.magicvideolibrary.com

Kids don’t drink beer for breakfast. Your mother has to because she has to take care of you all day long.

Can anyone tell me what’s in this box. No it is not left over pieces of Michael Jackson.

I am going to give you some simple instructions and if you do a really good job you will never have to go back to school again.

"What's your father's occupation?"

"He's a magician"

"What's his favorite trick?"

"Sawing people in half."

"Gosh! Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother, and two half sisters"

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Italian Jokes

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Jewish Jokes

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Job Jokes

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Longer Jokes

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come in?"

A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

Polish Jokes

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Relative Jokes

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Smart Guy Jokes

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Wife Jokes

My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."

Take my wife, please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Uncategorized Jokes

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If I had blood, I'd blush.

A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Funniest Joke in the World (according to Yahoo! October 3, 2002):

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Runner Up:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Another Runner Up:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

One More Runner Up:

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300^o C. The Russians used a pencil.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

Left Bank: what the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the s*** out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: what it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Subdued: like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed: bringing litigation against a government official.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

Visualize Whirled Peas

If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

Procrastinate now.

Rehab is for quitters.

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

I'm out Of Estrogen and I've got a gun!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

For Sale: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

You - Off my planet.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

In dog years, I'm dead!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

HONK If you want to see my finger.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!

Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!

Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor, "You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."

Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU.

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back."

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.

Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "What do I care, I'm a helicopter!"

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis."

I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!"

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington".

A will is a dead giveaway.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer."

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you."

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply.

Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?

I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way.

I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.

I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life. But I didn't have the thyme.

I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

In-Flight Humor
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." <scattered applause> "So... if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

"If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside."

"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"

After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."

"From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Insults

He's a little too tall for his blood supply.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.

He's a few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She's one taco short of a combination plate.

She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

He's as bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

He fell out of the family tree.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

He's a couple of bricks short of a hod.

He's a couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.

He's a couple of knights short of a Crusade.

He's a couplet short of a sonnet.

He's a few ears short of a bushel.

He's a few feet short of the runway.

He's a few links shy of a chain.

He's a few puppies short of a pet shop.

He's a few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.

He's got a room temperature IQ.

He's about a half a bubble off plumb.

He's all lime and salt, but no tequila.

He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

He was born during low tide in the gene pool.

He has both oars in the water, but they're on the same side of the boat!

He can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.

She's deaf, dumb, and blonde.

His deck has no face cards.

He is diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

She's eating with only one chopstick.

Her elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.

God might still use him for miracle practice.

He has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.

His jogging trail doesn't go all the way around the lake.

He left the store without all of his groceries.

He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in her silo.

He's not the quickest bunny in the forest.

She's one song short of a musical.

Her slinky is kinked.

Some M and Ms are missing from her bowl.

He's strong like bull, smart like streetcar.

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

When you're hungry, why does food SOUND good? Shouldn't it TASTE good? (thanks, Jon!)

Why can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?

Why are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that to shut down Microsoft Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it called a sport coat if I'm not allowed to play any sports in it?

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look Busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

Important Things To Learn

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.

Pick-up Lines

When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.

You sure have a great looking tooth.

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.

My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.

Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!

You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.

Falling for you would be a very short trip.

Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.

Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.

You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.

Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.

I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.

Can I lick that film off your teeth?

Don't be so picky....I wasn't!

You look a lot like my future wife.

I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

I want to call your mother and thank her.

Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

(Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Can you give me directions...to your heart?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.

Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.

Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell

You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous

There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht

Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein

Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. - Steve Martin

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Woody Allen

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. - Tom Clancy

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick." - Tom Waits

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." - Margaret Smith

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra…Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien

Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." - Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry Shandling

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

What's the youngest you can die of old age?

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "cut it out!"

I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice).

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

Having sex with <name> is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far."

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went, "Aaaaahhhh....."

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Is tired old cliche one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I had my coat hangers spayed.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja-Vu. The headwaiter said, "don't I know you?"

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question, "If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Doin' a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, " Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

So, do you live around here often?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually.

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I'd say, "have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I couldn't find the remote to the remote.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me.

You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time.

There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.

Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on a bus who tells him all her problems. She says she is on her way to therapy, because she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys. She then says, "by the way, what is your name?" He says, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See? That's how it's done."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I have a map of the United States, actual size. It says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes, I need them.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store, with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. Every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I don't remember what it was.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it."

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says "Here, you can go."

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

My neighbor has a circular driveway, he can't get out.

I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "hey, these records are all blank."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's really easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep!"

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

1-Liners for Magicians

"Can I show you half a magic trick?" when they say "yes", say, "Is this your card...."

·When performing for a gambler-- "Would you like to change your mind or are you happy with the one you have got"

· When a volunteer is just not getting it right...
"Have you ever assisted a magician on stage before?"
(Volunteer says no)
"Well, you're not helping one now either."

This is a real magicians' handkerchief--the centre is right here-- in the middle.
·I have here two tumblers, one is empty and the other contains nothing.
Do you like this suit? I have one for every day of the week--this is it.
·This trick was invented by one of the smartest magicians' alive today--of course, I've invented others.

If you like my show, tell all your pals; if you don't, please keep your big mouth shut.

I am sorry to say that I've come totally unprepared for this show. I didn't know about it until six weeks ago.

Please watch very closely as I do this trick- at no time will my fingers leave my hands

Funny patter for Mentalism tricks

· "I predict you don't believe I can make predictions."
· "Do you believe in coincidence?"
If they say "yes", you respond, "What a coincidence, I do too!"
If they say "no." You respond, "What a coincidence, I don't either.

One mind reader says to another “Your fine, how am I?”

Responses to “I know how you did that”

· "I know how you did that" Response: " I knew first!"

· "I know how you did that" Response: " I already know. I don't want them to know so keep it under your hat."

· "if I tell you that you're wrong then you'll keep guessing, and if you get a right guess then I'd either have to lie to you or admit that you're right. So I'll just let you think that you got it figured out."

· "...you certainly have hit upon the right idea. But please, do not talk with other people about it, because I like to protect my secret."

Things to Say When Things Don't Go Exactly As Planned

· (As I lose my place in a routine, or go blank altogether): "We interrupt your regularly scheduled magic trick to bring you this other magic trick that I didn't completely forget how to do..."

· Me (As I lose my place in a routine, or go blank altogether): "We interrupt this trick for a test of my brain. This is only a test."

· Me (as coin accidentally falls out of palm): "There it is! I was wondering where that one was."
· "I screwed that up, moving on to other things"

· I look folks right in the eye and just as if it made perfect sense in the context of the situation at hand.. I say," I have 2 ducks that mate with each other. Anyway moving on” Or · I look folks right in the eye and just as if it made perfect sense in the context of the situation at hand.. I say, ”Did you know the alphabet has 26 letters in it? Any way moving on.”

· Me (as I very noticeably and visually screw up a move): "Hmmm, did you see that?"
Spectator: "No, what?"

Me: "I must be quicker than I look" OR, "That's too bad, cause it was pretty slick"
· Ladies and Gentlemen, when I arrived here tonight, I received a special request... but, I'm going to perform anyway.
· "Man, its so quite in here, you could hear a career drop"
· "Gee, that’s weird, it worked perfectly in the magic store"
· "That's the first time that ever happened again"
· "It doesn't look as bad from my side"
· "There is only one thing this trick is missing"
· "Erm...could you step a little to the left? Your standing on the trapdoor."
· "Oops, my thumb fell off, would you look at that. And look what's in it ! The silk that disappeared.. Hehe It’s.. magic."
· When a coin drops: "Wow that coin magically flew so fast to my other hand I couldn't even catch it"
· "Damn, I knew I should have sacrificed a duck before the show.”
·

Things Not to Say
· "Okay.."
· "Ummmm"
· "silk" (unless followed by a noun such as "handkerchief")
· "Now we take and" [other action about to be done such as "now we take and put this silk in the goblet"].
· Don’t describe what you are doing eg. You might shuffle the cards "Now, I'll just shuffle these cards and..."
· "Now, I'll take and shuffle these cards..."
· "regular deck of cards"
· "ordinary"
· "now I will..."
· "And even *I* don't know how that's done!"
· "How did you do that?"....."VERY WELL"
· "Oops."
· Give me your hand, no the clean one.

Other things to say
· I have a magic trick for you.
It should be lots of fun.
Pay very close attention,
And guess how it is done!
· (you let the audience shuffle the deck of cards then you shuffle them) to be on the safe side, I'll give it a shuffle too

Things to say if people in your audience
Won’t stop talking
· “I don't come to your bedroom when you're performing and talk right in the middle of it”
· "Sit back, relax, shut that kid up."
· “Tell you what, I'll do the talking, you do the laughing, OK?”
· Stop in middle of a trick, and lean over to listen. This get's a laugh from everyone else,
· you can stop, and listen to them talk. Then say, "Speak up, we're only getting every other word of the conversation."
· "Sir either laugh it up or get out cause some of us are trying to have a good time..."
· "do I come to **** and bother you when your working?"
· if they cant stop laughing/clapping...then say "sir if your gonna enjoy yourself, make it look like a crowd of people at least caused your the only one enjoying this show!"
· "Hey can you guys hear me back there?"
(pause for response)
"Great, just checking. Because I can hear you just fine too."
·

Responses to “Do it again?”
· "Why? I did it perfectly the first time."
· "Maybe later."
· "ONCE IS MAGIC, TWICE IS A LESSON"..
· "If liked liked that one wait until you see this one. I was just getting warmed up!"
·

Lines for Misdirection
· “Have you seen close up magic before? So what was your favorite effect?”
· “Was that your wife I saw you with last night?”
· “Is it true the local school board spent over ten thousand dollars on pencils last year?”
· “If your card turned yellow and flew away, would you still recognize it?”
· "Did you see it?"
· "Hey! Look over there!"
· "Is that a piece of spinach on your teeth or are you just happy to see me?"
· “What are your favorite magic words?”
· “Do you know any magic words?”
· “Could you please think of some magic words for my next trick?”
· "you won't forget your card now will you?"
· "notice that at no time do my fingers leave my hand"
· look, point and shout with the "dirty" hand, "Look a distraction!"

A List of Magicians Quotes

· "A conjurer is not a juggler, he is an actor playing the part of a magician"
· "Remember, your not your props, create the magic."
· "...there is a fine line between wishing to produce child-like astonishment and treating people like infants."
· "Be natural"
· "The most important thing is presentation"
· “It is better for a man to honour his profession than to be honoured by it.”
· "Grunt, foam at the mouth, and otherwise get psychic"
· “Never tell the audience how good you are, they will soon find out for themselves.”
· “There is nothing worse than good magic at the wrong time.”
· “Never tell the audience how good you are, they will soon find out for themselves.”
· “There is nothing worse than good magic at the wrong time.”
· “Never apologize, it’s all part of the trick.”
· “Don’t run when your not being chased.”
· “Good timing is invisible. Bad timing sticks out a mile.”
· “Methods may vary, but principles never change.”
· “The worst reason to do magic is the desire to display your benefit to your fellow humans.”
· "For those who believe no explanation is necessary, for those who do not, none will suffice."
· "Look for all the world like you're counting the brain cells in his cranium."
· "At the finish of the effect look at the audience: if they have gone white in the face, froth at the mouth with excitement, shake at the knees or get down on the floor and salaam you-it is quite a fair trick."
· "How are you coming into the effect? How are you getting out?"
· “Conjuring is a profession in which no one errs through excess of modesty.”
· “The personality must be bigger than the prop.”
· “Let art conceal art”
· “Most magicians consider the palm an easy move to make. They are inclined to believe that they are ‘getting away with it,’ when they are in fact fortunate enough to have a polite audience.”
· "Caught in the difficulty of mystifying, magicians often forget that the first role of the artist is to communicate a beautiful idea."
· "Audiences are far from being as dumb as some performers seem to think."
· "It wasn't just about doing tricks. It's about taking an audience to another place, a special place, so they can really suspend their disbelief. Its about amazing the audience as well as moving them."
· “Make them think they’ve been fooled by a gentlemen.”
· “Comedy born of confusion is the only comedy that should be in magic.”
· “A good general chooses his battlefield.”
· “Misdirect ALL the time.”
· "People like being fooled by a gentleman."
· “A fundamental understanding of the human psyche is the essential key to successful magic.”
· “Be yourself.”
· “The very best method for a trick is the easiest method, and it is the method that should be used.”
· "The art of a magician is to create wonder. If we all live with a sense of wonder, our lives will become filled with joy."
· "If you want to hide it, Paint it red"
· "Without proper presentation, the best sleight of hand is nothing more than a feat of juggling."
· "Magic is not tricks; it is a way."
· "Perform as many times as you can in front of people you don't know."
· "Eye's follow energy more than motion."
· "There are no good or bad tricks. There are only well and badly presented tricks."
· "If you labour like a mouse, and give birth to an elephant, that's magic; but if you labour like an elephant and give birth to a mouse, that's tragic."
· “Leave them wanting more.”
· "Those who think that magic consists of doing tricks are strangers to magic. Tricks are only the crude residue from which the lifeblood of magic has been drained."
· "My brain is the key that sets me free"
· Learn a few things well.....this life is not long enough to do everything.....”

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"

Kids Riddles And Jokes

Why did the mosquito join a rock band?
A: To be the lead stinger.

Q: Why did the biscuit hurry to school?
A: It didn't want to miss roll call.

Q: What's a boring lizard called?
A: A crocodull.

Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A: A lawn moo-er.

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In a snowbank.

Q: Why did the woman cross a hyena with a parrot?
A: So she could ask him what he was laughing about.

Q: What is the highest form of animal life?
A: A giraffe.

Q: What is a walkway on an island?
A: An isle aisle.

Q: How does a carpenter eat?
A: He bolts his food.

Q: What happened when the magician did a scary trick?
A: His hare stood on end.

Q: What do you call a vampire pig?
A: Frankenswine.

Q: What does a magician say when he takes a picture?
A: “Focus pocus.”

Q: What would you get if you blew your hair dryer down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: Why don't fish play tennis?
A: They always get caught up in the net.

Q: What creature sticks to the bottom of sheep ships?
A: Baaaa-nacles.

Q: Why are alien gardeners so good?
A: Because they have green thumbs.

Q: Why did the baseball rookie have coal on his face?
A: He just came up from the miners.

Q: What does Dracula take when he has a cold?
A: Coffin medicine.

Q: What do you call a famous archer?
A: A shooting star.

Q: Why did the snake become a priest?
A: He got the coiling.

Q: Why didn't the hotdog star in the movie?
A: The roll wasn't good enough.

Q: What did the dentist give to the brass band?
A: A tuba toothpaste.

Q: What do you call two people who embarrass you at Open House?
A: Mom and Dad.

Q: What kind of movies do frogs like?
A: Sci-fly.

Q: Who runs the biggest underwater circus in the world?
A: Barnacle and Bailey.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a clockmaker?
A: She two-times you.

Q: Do ghosts hunt with guns?
A: No, they use a boo and arrow.

Q: Did you hear about the outlaws who went skydiving?
A: They had a chute out.

Q: What does a nut say when it sneezes?
A: Cashew.

Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Shakespeare play and 3 eggs?
A: Omelette.

Q: What do you get if you put ham in your omelet?
A: Hamlet.

Q: What player on a baseball team pours lemonade?
A: The pitcher.

Q: What does a witch serve her friends?
A: A full-curse meal.

Q: What do you call a baby turkey?
A: A goblet.

Q: What do you call an insect manager?
A: A roach coach.

Q: What kind of bee can't make up its mind?
A: A may-bee.

Q: What do you get if you cross a pecan and a lobster?
A: A nut that can crack itself open.

Q: What daytime dramas do dummies watch?
A: Dope operas.

Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: It's hard to run in squares.

Q: Why did the cucumber hire a lawyer?
A: Because it was in a pickle.

Q: What is a fungi?
A: A mushroom that likes having a good time.

Q: What is the 'Most Progressive Day' of the year?
A: March Forth (have you ever tried to march backwards?)

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a crystal ball?
A: A message from the udder side.

Q: Who was the fastest runner of all time?
A: Adam, because he was first in the human race.

Q: What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers?
A: Infantry.

Q: What do you call a man who likes drawing and painting?
A: Art.

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: “Odor in the court!”

Q: What is an atomic scientist's favourite snack?
A: Fission chips.

Q: What do you get if you cross a fish and a Yamaha?
A: A motor-pike.

Q: What should you take along on a trek in the desert?
A: A thirst-aid kit.

Q: What has a girl's head, a fish's tail, and speaks very softly?
A: A murmurmaid.

Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a pastry cook?
A: He desserts you.

Q: What do vampires eat at parties?
A: Fang-furters.

Q: How do vegetables win a race?
A: They cross the spinach line.

Q: Why did the cantaloupe jump in the ocean?
A: It wanted to be a watermelon.

Q: What do you get if you cross a dollar bill with a kangaroo?
A: A buckaroo.

Q: What song does a violinist sing to his violin?
A: “I've got you under my chin...”

Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: “Meet Patty.”

Q: What did the tailor take for his sore throat?
A: Cuff drops.

Q: What happens to spoons when they work too hard?
A: They go stir crazy.

Q: What does a button do?
A: Close clothes .

Q: How do fleas travel?
A: They itch-hike.

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a jogging machine?
A: A milk-shake.

Q: What did the outlaw give his wife for her birthday?
A: A stole.

Q: Why did the dummy take the stairs to the 99th floor?
A: He wanted to come up the hard way.

Q: What did the duck wear to the wedding?
A: A duck-seedo.

Q: Why were the naughty eggs sent out of class?
A: Because they kept playing practical yolks.

Q: What makes a chess player happy?
A: Taking a knight off.

Q: Where does a bat soak?
A: In a bat-tub.

Q: How do angelfish greet each other?
A: “Halo!”

Q: What's a cautious caterpillar's motto?
A: Look before you creep.

Q: What is an insect's favourite sport?
A: Cricket.

Q: What is the hardest thing about learning to skate?
A: The ice.

Q: What do you call a nap on a ship?
A: A cruise snooze.

Q: What kind of bows are in an orchestra?
A: Oboes.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: What did zero say to the eight?
A: “Nice belt!”

Q: Who did the Irish setter hire to watch her pups?
A: A baby setter.

Q: What insect plays music?
A: A humbug.

Q: What do you call an artificial stone?
A: A shamrock.

Q: What are the two good things about being a teacher?
A: July and August.

Q: What's a good wedding gift for a skeleton?
A: Bone china.

Q: Which squid is the friendliest?
A: The cuddlefish.

Q: What do you call the place where the animals rest in the desert?
A: Camel lot.

Q: If a dog loses his tail, where would he get another one?
A: At a retail store.

Q: What part of your body has the most rhythm?
A: Your eardrums.

Q: What did the seven dwarfs bake?
A: Shortbread.

Q: What's a tailor's favourite game?
A: Sew 'n' Tell.

Q: What's a good gift for an Australian ghost?
A: A boomerang.

Q: How do you avoid illnesses caused by biting insects?
A: Don't bite them.

Q: What's the difference between a rain barrel and a bad fielder?
A: One catches drops; the other drops catches.

Q: Why did the horse go to the Doctor?
A: For hay fever.

Q: How do teachers dress in the winter?
A: Quickly.

Q: What did the thief say when he robbed the glue factory?
A: “This is a stickup!”

Q: What do slugs pack when they go on a trip?
A: Sluggage.

Q: How did the police know the parrot was telling the truth?
A: They gave it a poly graph.

Q: Why can't you tell pigs your secrets?
A: They squeal.

Q: What fruit will never run away and get married?
A: A cantaloupe.

Q: Name a hopping creature that breaks into houses.
A: A robbit.

Q: How do you close an envelope underwater?
A: With a seal.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.

Q: What do you get when you cross a scary fish with an anteater?
A: An aardshark.

Q: What bird never goes to a barber?
A: A bald eagle.

Q: Where do planets go to school?
A: The univers-ity.

Q: What did the Doctor say to the patient when the operation was over?
A: “That's enough out of you!”

Q: What do you call someone who keeps on talking when no one is listening?
A: A teacher.

Q: What do you call a stuck-up goblin?
A: A snob goblin.

Q: Which Great Lake thinks it's better than all the others?
A: Lake Superior.

Q: What did the judge give the thief who stole the calendar?
A: Twelve months.

Q: What's a mummy's favourite music?
A: Wrap.

Q: Which fish finds the best bargains?
A: The sale-fish.

Q: What do you call the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: Juveniles.

Q: What was Noah's profession?
A: Ark-itect.

Q: What clothing does a house wear?
A: Address.

Q: What is the first thing an elephant does at the airport?
A: Check his trunk.

Q: Who did the ghost take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.

Q: What contains the most vitamins?
A: A health food store.

Q: What time is it when a lion comes to dinner?
A: Time to go.

Q: Where do city earthworms live?
A: In garden apartments.

Q: What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?
A: “It's not my fault.”

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax lawyers fighting over a penny.

Q: Where do otters come from?
A: Otter space.

Q: What insect has the least courage?
A: The flee.

Q: How do skunks know when to release their terrible smell?
A: Instink.

Q: What do two oceans say when they meet after many years?
A: “Long time no sea.”

Q: Where did the computer stay when he joined the army?
A: At a database.

Q: Why can't you trust the law of gravity?
A: Because it always lets you down.

Q: What do you get if you cross a telephone and a shirt?
A: Ring around the collar.

Q: What is the most squeamish animal?
A: An ele-faint.

Q: What kind of food does a racehorse eat?
A: Fast food.

Q: What do you say before you start a meeting with ghosts?
A: “Please be sheeted.”

Q: What time to chickens wake up in the morning?
A: Five o'cluck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Who was older, David or Goliath?
A: David because he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: What colour is the wind?
A: Blew.

Q: Why did the man mail his friend a clock?
A: He wanted to see time travel.

Q: Why did the boy deer propose to the rich female deer?
A: He wanted the doe.

Q: What's Dr. Pepper's motto?
A: Thirst come, thirst served.

Q: What is a tennis player's favourite city?
A: Volley-wood.

Q: What do termites eat for breakfast?
A: Oak meal.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: What should you wear when you go to the beach with a monster?
A: Sunscream.

Q: Who are the best letter writers?
A: Fishermen. They'll always drop you a line.

Q: What is a cannibal's favourite gourmet dish?
A: Peasant under glass.

Q: What is a caveman's favourite lunch?
A: A club sandwich.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus?
A: A coat with eight sleeves.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?
A: You get taken for a ride.

Q: What did one knee bone say to the other knee bone?
A: “Let's get out of this joint.”

Q: What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
A: Be frank.

Q: Do cows give milk?
A: No, you have to take it from them.

Q: Why do snakes ask for spoons?
A: Their tongues are already forked.

Q: What is the vampire's least favourite food?
A: Garlic Stake.

Q: How do you clean the ice off tall buildings?
A: With sky scrapers.

Q: Where do you find prehistoric cows?
A: In a moo-seum.

Q: What does Porky do to keep himself busy?
A: Pigsaw puzzles.

Q: Why did the lamb go swimming?
A: It needed a baaaa-th.

Q: Why did the fireplace call the Doctor?
A: Because the chimney had the flu.

Q: When is an absent-minded circus owner like a nervous actor?
A: When he forgets his lions.

Q: Why did the tree see the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.

Q: What do you call a ghost that picks on other ghosts?
A: A boo-lly.

Q: What's a sheep's motto?
A: All's wool that ends wool.

Q: What did the eye say to the mouth?
A: “One more word from you and you'll get fifty lashes!”

Q: At which college can you learn how to drive tanks?
A: Tank U.

Q: What do you call a class in a tree?
A: High school.

Q: What time to ducks get up?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: Where do birds invest their money?
A: In the stork market.

Q: What's the best way to get from an airport to the beach?
A: By taxi crab.

Q: What ducks crack joe-ks?
A: Wise quackers.

Q: How do you end a story about frogs?
A: “... and they lived hoppily ever after.”

Q: Where do monsters study?
A: In a ghoul school.

Q: Who was the most brilliant pig in the world?
A: Ein-swine.

Q: Where do fish put their money?
A: In the river bank.

Q: What did the teddy bear say after dining out?
A: “I'm stuffed.”

Q: What's a skunk's motto?
A: Eat, stink, and be merry.

Q: What do you call a hamburger bun in a rocking chair?
A: Rockin roll.

Q: What did the suit of armor in the museum miss most?
A: The knight life.

Q: What do slugs put on their toes?
A: Snail polish.

Q: What kind of tea is best to avoid?
A: Calamity.

Q: What days of the week do monsters like best?
A: Moan-day, Tombs-day and Fright-day.

Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both hand out sentences.

Q: What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
A: She had mittens.

Q: What hog is married to several wives?
A: A pig-amist.

Q: What do you get if you cross an abalone and a crocodile?
A: A crockabaloney.

Q: What do you call 2 spiders who get married?
A: Newly webs.

Q: How did the farmer count his cows?
A: With a cow-culator.

Q: What sickness can you catch from your bed mattress?
A: Spring fever.

Q: What do you get if you cross a hen and a parrot?
A: A bird that uses really fowl language.

Q: Where is the best place to find books about trees?
A: In a branch library.

Q: What do dogs drink at picnics?
A: Pupsi-cola.

Q: How did the pebble's marriage end up?
A: On the rocks.

Q: When do eggs become runny?
A: After they hatch into chicks.

Q: What did the jack say to the car?
A: Hey! I know you're in a rush, so don't let me hold you up.

Q: Where do race cars go swimming?
A: In the car pool.

Q: What fur do you get from a skunk?
A: As fur as possible.

Q: How do hikers cross a patch of poison ivy?
A: They itch hike.

Q: What's the biggest plant in the world?
A: The steel plant.

Q: When do Siamese twins go to a baseball game?
A: When there's a doubleheader.

Q: Why did the two fish get married?
A: Because they were hooked on each other.

Q: Where do cows go to see art?
A: Moo-seums.

Q: Where do they send sick librarians?
A: To the hush-pital.

Q: What kind of car do hound dogs drive?
A: Houndas.

Q: What snacks should you serve robots at parties?
A: Assorted nuts.

Q: What has bread on both sides and frightens easily?
A: A chicken sandwich.

Q: What do dogs put on their pizza?
A: Mutts-arella.

Q: What do ants put on their pizza?
A: Ant-chovies.

Q: Where do mummies go swimming?
A: In the Dead Sea.

Q: What's the first thing you need to split an atom?
A: A fission license.

Q: Which President had a hard shell?
A: Abraclam Lincoln.

Q: Why was the nanny goat so upset?
A: She had too many kids to take care of.

Q: Where does a pig leave its car when it takes the train?
A: In a Pork and Ride.

Q: Who are the toughest bugs in Scotland?
A: The Kilter Bees.

Q: What did the student fish bring to school for his teacher?
A: A crab apple.

Q: What do you if you cross a memory expert and a conductor?
A: A person who never loses his train of thought.

Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with test papers?
A: Eggsams.

Q: Why did the basketball player put his cookie in the milk?
A: Because he loved to dunk.

Q: What kind of phone does a turtle use?
A: A shell-ular phone.

Q: How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?
A: C-A-T.

Q: What does an invisible cat drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What kind of underwear do astronauts wear?
A: Fruit of the Moon.

Q: What did one lightbulb say to the other?
A: 'Watt are you doing?'

Q: Why did the dog lay on its back with its feet sticking in the air?
A: It was trying to trip birds.

Q: What do pigs write letters with?
A: Pig-pens.

Q: What is a bird's favourite game?
A: Air hockey.

Q: What kind of haircut does a bee get?
A: A buzz cut.

Q: How does the ocean pay its water bill?
A: With sand dollars.

Q: What happens when you chase an ice cube?
A: You catch a cold.

Q: What happens when you ask an oyster a personal question?
A: It clams up.

Q: Why are wild horses wealthy?
A: They make big bucks.

Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.

Q: What do you get when you cross a sitcom with a gardening show?
A: Joe-ks you can really dig!

Q: Why does a tiger kneel before it pounces?
A: Because it's preying.

Q: What do you get if two or more geese collide?
A: Goosebumps.

Q: What kind of horse likes to be ridden in the dark?
A: A nightmare.

Q: What do you call a pig who doesn't do anything all day?
A: A boar.

Q: Why do chickens get good jobs?
A: Because they're eggs-perts.

Q: Why did the lazy boy hate spaghetti, lasagna and fettuccine?
A: He didn't like using his noodle.

Q: What do you get when a python and a porcupine collide?
A: Ten feet of barbed wire.

Q: What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A: Auld Fang Sanguine!

Q: What did one magnet say to the other?
A: I find you very attractive.

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: Pouch potato.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy.

Q: What bird can lift the most?
A: A crane.

Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Steal its chair.

Q: What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands?
A: Your breath.

Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: At the bottom.

Q: What do you call 2 boys hanging from the ceiling?
A: Curt and Rod.

Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q: Why do oysters never give money to charity?
A: Because they're shellfish.

Q: What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a dog?
A: An animal that buries itself.

Q: How do you kill a circus?
A: Go for the juggler.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: Why do black widow spiders eat their males after mating?
A: To stop them from snoring.

Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine.

Q: What did the hat say to the scarf?
A: You hang around while I go on a head.

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?
A: The poor didn't have anything worth stealing.

Q: Why do monks always wear brown?
A: It's just their habit.

Q: What do you get if you pull your pants up to your neck?
A: A chest of drawers.

Q: Why does an elephant never forget?
A: What has he got to remember?

Q: Did you hear about the two fat athletes?
A: One ran in short bursts and the other ran in burst shorts.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone's eaten.

Q: Why did the cannibal policeman get the sack?
A: He was caught grilling his suspects.

Q: Why were the cannibals sick after eating the missionary?
A: You can't keep a good man down.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humour?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Why didn't the millionaire report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less than his wife used to.

Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.

Q: What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
A: Doug.

Q: What do you call a man who's been buried for 2000 years?
A: Pete.

Q: What's the definition of experience?
A: Something you don't get until just after you need it.

Q: What's covered in cellophane and climbs up and down a rope?
A: The lunchpack of Notre Dame.

Q: What happened when the policeman caught a boy drinking battery acid and another eating fireworks?
A: He charged one and let the other off.

Q: What do you give a man who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do politicians use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the best way to make sure you always remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once.

Q: What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
A: “You take me for grunted.”

Q: Why do psychiatrists give patients shock treatment?
A: To prepare them for the bill.

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A: “Dam!”

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the TV remote control between his toes.

Q: What's the disadvantage of keeping an open mind?
A: Your ideas might fall out.

Q: Why does history keep repeating itself?
A: Because we weren't listening the first time.

Q: Why didn't the hen-pecked husband speak to his wife for a month?
A: He didn't want to interrupt her.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Someone has to stay around to clean up after them.

Q: When does a woman care deeply for her husband's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: Why do men prefer electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.

Q: Why are men like mascara?
A: They run at the first sign of emotion.

Q: Why are men like placemats?
A: They only show up when there's food on the table.

Q: What do you say to a Medieval man when he goes to bed?
A: Knighty Knight.

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad.

Q: Why can't you tell joe-ks to an egg?
A: Because it will crack up!

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: What is the difference between out-laws and in-laws?
A: Out-laws are wanted.

Q: What tree has the biggest bark?
A: Dogwood.

Q: How do you mend a broken heart?
A: With duct tape.

Abel had 3 children.
Cain had no children.
Do you know why?
...
...
...
...
He was not Able.

Q: Where does a ship go when it gets sick?
A: To the dock.

Q: What happened to the 2 peanuts that crossed the road?
A: One was assaulted.

Q: What did mama tomato say to baby tomato when they were crossing the street?
A: Catch up!

Q: What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?
A: Cheeze was.

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A: Na cho cheese.

If you eat pasta and antipasta during dinner, are you still hungry?

Q: What do you get when you cross a mouth with a tornado?
A: A tongue twister.

Q: A unicorn has one horn and a bull has two. Does anything have more?
A: Yes – an orchestra.

Q: Did you hear about the absent-minded Siamese twins?
A: Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.

Did you hear about the athlete who was so dubm that when he earned his varsity letter, somebody had to read it to him?

Q: Did you hear about the baseball player who went to Church twice a day?
A: He kept hoping for a double pray.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
A: She was so proud of it she had it bronzed.

Q: Did you hear about the computer that died?
A: It had a terminal illness.

Q: Did you hear about the depressed prisoner?
A: He was down, but not out.

Q: Did you hear about the dubm-est bank robber in the world?
A: He put a paper bag on his head and told the teller to put all the money in the stocking.

Q: Did you hear about the duck who’s a plastic surgeon?
A: His motto is “Pay now, bill later.”

Did you hear about the goose that watched a horror movie and got people-bumps?

Did you hear about the groom who tried to kiss his bride in the fog and mist?

Q: Did you hear about the group of people who got stranded in the mall?
A: They were shopwrecked.

Q: A class has a top and a bottom. What is in the middle?
A: The student body.

Did you hear about the guy who’s so lazy, he hires other people to walk in his sleep?

Q: Did you hear about the letter T having an identity crisis?
A: It wants to be just like U.

Q: Did you hear about the lion that swallowed a computer?
A: Talk about a mane frame - he couldn’t eat another byte!

Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine>
A: He’s fully recovered.

Q: Did you hear about the Moroff who drove his truck off the cliff?
A: He wanted to test his new air brakes.

Q: Did you hear about the moth that flew into the two-year-old’s birthday party?
A: He burned his end at both candles.

Q: Did you hear about the music lover who tried out for the Olympics?
A: He’s a compact disc thrower.

Q: Did you hear about the new TV series called “Flashback?”
A: It’s a half hour show and goes from 9:00 to 8:30.

Q: Did you hear about the second-string football player who flooded the stadium with water?
A: He was hoping the coach would send him in as a sub.

Did you hear about the student who got a D minor on his band report card?

Q: Did you hear about the trombone player who got kicked out of the school band?
A: He kept letting things slide.

Q: Did you hear about the world’s dubm-est lottery?
A: For the jackpot you win a dollar a year for a million years.

Q: Did you hear there’s a new movie about a dentist who goes back and forth in time?
A: It’s called “Plaque to the Future.”

Q: Do fish perspire?
A: How do you think the sea gets so salty?

Q: Do old school teachers ever marry?
A: No, they just get dated.

Q: Do you go to school stupid?
A: Yes, and I come out the same way.

A midget psychic robbed the First National Bank and made off with all the cash – the police say the small medium is still at large.

Q: During which school period do cars get put together?
A: Assembly.

Ewe are so smart!

Greetings Cards:
To circus seals: “Best Fishes!”
To ghosts on January 1st: “Happy Boo Year!”
To lonely snakes: “I Hiss You!”
To maple trees: “Sappy Birthday!”
To married bugs: “Happy Ant-iversary!”
To sick lemons: “Hope You’re Feeling Bitter!”
To sick skunks: “Get Smell Soon!”
To vacationing rabbits: “Bunny Voyage!”

Q: Have you ever traced your ancestors?
A: Are you kidding? I can’t draw worth a nickel.

Q: “Have you missed school lately?”
A: “Not a bit.”

He’s so dubm he once got stuck on an escalator and didn’t know how to get down.

Q: How can you leave a classroom with two legs and come back with six?
A: Bring a chair back with you.

Q: How can you tell an Ivy League door?
A: It has a Yale lock.

Q: How can you tell when a swimming team is broke?
A: It can’t keep its head above water.

Q: How did Darth Vader’s parents get him to study?
A: By using the Force.

Q: How did the bumble bee get to school?
A: It took the school buzz.

Q: How did the card do on final exams?
A: It aced them.

Q: How did the corn do in the band?
A: It played by ear.

Q: How did the driver’s ed class celebrate getting new tires?
A: With a real blowout.

Q: How did the duck do on its report card?
A: All its grades were down.

Q: How did the hairstylist feel about school?
A: Shear delight.

Q: How did the mummy react to the dull class?
A: It was bored stiff.

Q: How did the school custodian make all his money?
A: He really cleaned up after work.

Q: How did the science teacher quiz her students?
A: With test tubes.

Q: How did the student do in fractions?
A: He wasn’t half bad.

Q: How did the teacher handle a class full of baby goats?
A: With kid gloves.

Q: How did the vampire student start a fire while studying?
A: By burning the midnight oil.

Q: How did the wrestler pin down the answers to the test?
A: He put a hold on them.

Q: How did they know the swimming team was inexperienced?
A: They were all wet behind the ears.

Q: How do babies cheat in nursery school?
A: They use their crib notes.

Q: How do blackboards start over?
A: With a clean slate.

Q: How do fleas get from one place to another?
A: They itch hike.

Q: How do law students date?
A: They court each other.

Q: How do we know that dolphins are intelligent?
A: Because it only takes them a few weeks to train a man to throw fish at them.

Q: How do you clear ice off the windows of tall buildings?
A: With a sky scraper.

Q: How do you define “buoyant”?
A: A male insect.

Q: How do you fire a math teacher?
A: Tell her she’s history.

Q: How do you grade libraries?
A: With bookmarks.

Q: “How do you like school?”
A: “Closed.”

Q: How do you know exercise keeps us healthy?
A: Did you ever see a germ on a rowing machine?

Q: How do you know school buses are afraid?
A: They’re yellow.

Q: How do you mail the alphabet?
A: In a letter box.

Q: How do you recognize math plants?
A: They have square roots.

Q: How do you say goodbye to the alphabet?
A: “A B C’ing you.”

Q: How do you stop an elephant from slipping through the eye of a needle?
A: Tie a knot in his tail.

Q: How does a blackboard handle bad times?
A: It chalks them up to bad experience.

Q: How does a dog answer the phone?
A: “Hello, this is the Lost and Hound.”

Q: How does a lobster remember the answers to a test?
A: By tying a string around his claw.

Q: How does a social science teacher break up with his girlfriend?
A: He tells her she’s history.

Q: How does a young ghost count?
A: One, boo, three.

Q: How far can you go in astronomy?
A: The sky’s the limit.

Q: “How far did you go in school?”
A: “About two miles.”

Q: How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
A: Because he is a stage coach.

Q: How is a hobo different from a non-smoking goat?
A: One smokes butts, the other butts smokers.

Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.

Q: How is an empty classroom like a teacher with her eyes closed?
A: Because there are no pupils to be seen.

Q: How is my brother connected to the police department?
A: By a pair of handcuffs.

Q: How is the baseball slugger doing in school?
A: Batter.

Q: How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None if it turns itself in.

Q: How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to turn it and one to overturn it.

Q: How much fun can you have doing arithmetic?
A: Sum fun!

Q: How should you e-mail a student?
A: First class.

Q: How was the cooking class performance?
A: Well done.

Q: How was the driving teacher’s parking?
A: It was unparalleled.

Q: How was the rowing team punished?
A: They were paddled.

Q: I never move. I have no feet. But I wear shoes. What am I?
A: The sidewalk.

If astronauts are so smart, why are they always counting backwards?

Q: If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
A: His wife.

Q: If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for?
A: Old age.

Q: If the pilgrims got to America on the Mayflower, how do foreign students get here?
A: On scholarships.

Q: In what school do you have to drop out before you graduate?
A: Parachute school.

Q: In what subject do insects get their best grades?
A: A-gnat-omy.

Q: Is a hammer useful in math?
A: No, but multi-pliers are.

Q: Is it better to do your homework on a full or empty stomach?
A: It’s better to do it on paper.

Q: Is there a silent C n Connecticut?
A: No, but there’s a noisy ocean offshore.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to vacuum it.

Q: Lori has it first. Phil has it last. Girls have it once. Boys never have it. What is it?
A: The letter “l.”

My doctor is so slow, his waiting room couch opens up into a sleeper.

Q: Name the constituents of quartz.
A: Pints.

There’s so much traffic in the gym the stationary bicycles have rear view mirrors.

Q: What animals help run computers?
A: Rams.

Q: What are the most confusing kind of books at the library?
A: Books of short tall stories.

Q: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: Juve-niles.

Q: What assignment to Alaskans bring back from school?
A: Nome work.

Q: What ballet outfit do math teachers wear?
A: Two-twos.

Q: What can you never make with shaky penmanship?
A: Straight A’s.

Q: What class is full of wise guys?
A: The freshmen class.

Q: What class tells you about corridors?
A: Study hall.

Q: What club do fish like to join?
A: The debating team.

Q: What college courses do veterinarians take?
A: Baa-ology, Moo-sic, and Pig Latin.

Q: What college do lovers go to?
A: Embraceable U.

Q: What college do vines go to?
A: The Ivy League.

Q: What college is named for John Wayne?
A: Duke University.

Q: What comedy team eats carrots and tells joe-ks?
A: Rabbit and Costello.

Q: What comes after “G”?
A: Whiz.
Q: Then what comes after “O”?
A: Yeah.

Q: What course do golfers take?
A: Driver’s ed.

Q: What course do yodelers take?
A: Echo-nomics.

Q: What course talks about hamburgers?
A: Meat-eorology.

Q: What course teaches you about raw fish?
A: Sushi-ology.

Q: What course teaches you about soda?
A: Fizz-eology.

Q: What day does a fish hate the most?
A: Fryday.

Q: What day of school is the children’s favourite?
A: The last.

Q: What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
A: Toga-ther we can rule the world.

Q: What did Noah do for a job?
A: He was an ark-itecht.

Q: What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
A: He fished – but he didn’t’ catch much… he only had 2 worms.

Q: What did one blackboard say to the other?
A: “E-rase you to the corner.”

Q: What did the baker get at school?
A: He made the honour roll.

Q: What did the basketball player eat in the school cafeteria?
A: Hoop du jour.

Q: What did the billboard learn at school?
A: Sign language.

Q: What did the brilliant art student make with his brush?
A: A stroke of genius.

Q: What did the builder write his book report on?
A: Construction paper.

Q: What did the carpenter make for the textbook?
A: A table of contents.

Q: What did the chicken teach the typing class?
A: Hunt and peck.

Q: What did the chiropractor take at the end of his studies?
A: A spinal exam.

Q: What did the circle say to the square?
A: “I’ll be a round.”

Q: What did the Civil War book say when it left?
A: “I’m history.”

Q: What did the computer component call his son?
A: A chip off the old block.

Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte.

Q: What did the dancing teacher call her dancing sibling?
A: A stepsister.

Q: What did the detective say when he arrested the librarian?
A: “Book ‘em!”

Q: What did the fish do in music class?
A: Play the scales.

Q: What did the football coach take with him on his fishing trip?
A: His tackle.

Q: What did the goalpost say to the football?
A: “You’ll get a kick out of this.”

Q: What did the horse get on its report card?
A: Straight hays.

Q: What did the leopard say to his friends in the school cafeteria?
A: “Save me a spot.”

Q: What did the lobster give his teacher?
A: A crab apple.

Q: What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
A: Claw enforcement.

Q: What did the loser at the solar system competition receive?
A: The constellation prize.

Q: What did the octopus hate most about being an octopus?
A: Washing his hands before dinner.

Q: What did the Parisian teacher make when she raised her glass?
A: A French toast.

Q: What did the pig put in the school computer?
A: Sloppy disks.

Q: What did the pile of leaves say to the gardener?
A: “Go ahead – rake my day.”

Q: What did the ruler say to the pencil?
A: “You have to draw the line somewhere.”

Q: What did the science teacher get when she cloned a piece of coal?
A: A carbon copy.

Q: What did the Sheriff Of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him?
A: “That was an arrow escape!”

Q: What did the skeleton play in the school band?
A: The trom-bone.

Q: What did the student say to the calculator?
A: “I’m counting on you.”

Q: What did the swimming coach do in the boxing match?
A: He took a dive.

Q: What did the teacher rabbit tell her bunnies?
A: Hare-raising stories.

Q: What did the teacher say to the naughty hornet?
A: “Beehive yourself.”

Q: What did the teacher say to the plumber taking classes?
A: “Pipe down.”

Q: What did the tennis team write for the school paper?
A: A love story.

Q: What did the turtles say to the teacher?
A: “You tortoise everything we know.”

Q: What did the weatherman say about his meteorology test?
A: “It was a breeze with only a few foggy patches.”

Q: What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
A: T-shirts.

Q: What did Tiger Woods study at school?
A: A golf course.

Q: “What did you learn your first day in school?”
A: “Not much. I have to go again tomorrow.”

Q: What do an army private and a waitress have in common?
A: They both take orders all day long .

Q: What do art teachers do on vacation?
A: They paint the town red.

Q: What do astronomy students scrub sinks with?
A: Comet.

Q: What do batteries study for?
A: The acid test.

Q: What do cows do best in driver’s ed?
A: Steer.

Q: What do earth science students weigh themselves on?
A: The Richter scale.

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.

Q: What do fashionable biology students wear?
A: Designer genes.

Q: What do gangsters put on the front of their cars?
A: Hood ornaments.

Q: What do ghosts sing in the singing club?
A: Spirituals.

Q: What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
A: Dates.
Q: What do they talk about?
A: The good old days.

Q: What do history teachers talk to each other about?
A: Old times, of course.

Q: What do insects use to write reports?
A: Flypaper.

Q: What do lazy students do for the school play?
A: They understudy.

Q: What do mountain climbers’ kids like to play?
A: Height and Seek.

Q: What do pigs do after school?
A: Their hamwork.

Q: What do porcupines write their reports with?
A: Quill pens.

Q: What do skeletons call study periods?
A: Skull sessions.

Q: What do you call a cartoon that’s been thrown out of school?
A: Suspended animation.

Q: What do you call a computer superhero?
A: A screen saver.

Q: What do you call a great phys ed teacher?
A: A gym dandy.

Q: What do you call a mistake by the entire homeroom?
A: A class trip.

Q: What do you call a place where a law student lives?
A: A legal pad.

Q: What do you call a pupil who sneezes in class?
A: A wheeze kid.

Q: What do you call a red-headed lady on a blue and white plane travelling from New York to Los Angeles?
A: A passenger.

Q: What do you call a school where all the students are over six feet tall?
A: A high school.

Q: What do you call an ice skating goalie who skips school?
A: A hooky player.

Q: What do you call books read by Dallas students?
A: Tex books.

Q: What do you call it when a student can’t answer the questions on another student’s computer test?
A: Hard copy.

Q: What do you call it when a teacher promotes a male deer?
A: Passing the buck.

Q: What do you call it when your father has to take a test?
A: A pop quiz.

Q: What do you call Oreos that skip class?
A: Cookie cutters.

Q: What do you call someone who sleeps in class?
A: ‘Bored’ Of education.

Q: What do you call the front page of a geography book?
A: The table of continents.

Q: What do you call the study of seaweed?
A: Algae-bra.

Q: What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a Boy Scout?
A: I don’t know, but it sure could pitch a tent.

Q: What do you get when you cross a class clown with Mr. Spock?
A: A funny Vulcan.

Q: What do you get when you cross a clock with a cigarette?
A: Second-hand smoke.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer, a slob and an Olympic athlete?
A: A sloppy discus thrower.

Q: What do you get when you cross a famous cartoon team with a star?
A: Rocky and Bulltwinkle.

Q: What do you get when you cross a goat with a kangaroo?
A: A kid with a built-in school bag.

Q: What do you get when you cross a karate instructor with a wheelbarrow?
A: A chopping cart.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mouth with a tornado?
A: A tongue twister.

Q: What do you get when you cross a swimming pool with a movie house?
A: A dive-in theatre.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A: Lots of blood tests.

Q: What do you get when you cross an English teacher with a track team?
A: A run-on sentence.

Q: What do you get when you cross the alphabet with a shackle?
A: A chain letter.

Q: What do you get when you cross the alphabet with a top?
A: Dizzy spells.

Q: What do you get when you cross the alphabet with the tennis team?
A: Love letters.

Q: What do you get when you cross the English department with the school cafeteria?
A: Alphabet soup.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Greatest Show on Earth with the Ice Capades?
A: A three-rink circus.

Q: What do you get when you cross the tennis team with geometric figures?
A: A love triangle.

Q: What do you get when you graduate from the police academy?
A: The third degree.

Q: What do construction workers play with in kindergarten?
A: Building blocks.

Q: What do you call a bird who tattles to the lifeguard?
A: A pool pigeon.

Q: What do you call a boy who can subtract, multiply, and divide, but can’t add?
A: A total failure.

Q: What does a banana need to become President?
A: A peel.

Q: What does a dog get when it graduates from obedience school?
A: A pedigree.

Q: What does a hungry math teacher like to eat best?
A: A square meal.

Q: What does a sick teacher take?
A: Pu-pils.
Q: What does a sick preacher take?
A: Pew-pills.

Q: What education is geared to helping students get jobs?
A: Hire education.

Q: What English King invented the fireplace?
A: Alfred the Grate.

Q: What exercise makes you miss school?
A: Skipping.

Q: What famous chiropodist ruled England?
A: William the Corn-cutter.

Q: What famous nurse rarely got dressed in the morning?
A: Florence Nightingown.

Q: What goes “ring, ring” every morning at the wrong time?
A: A false alarm clock.

Q: What golf equipment was out when attendance was taken?
A: Absent-tees.

Q: What grades did the pirate get in school?
A: High seas.

Q: What group do happy students join?
A: The glee club.

Q: What happened to the student who swallowed a dictionary?
A: The nurse couldn’t get a word out of him.

Q: What happened to the vegetables misbehaving in the cafeteria?
A: They found themselves in hot water.

Q: What happened when the basketball team brought razors to the game?
A: They were accused of shaving points.

Q: What happened when the chemistry students met?
A: It was lab at first sight.

Q: What happened when the dog went to school?
A: It had a ruff time.

Q: What happened when the English teacher’s dictionary was stolen?
A: She was at a loss for words.

Q: What happened when the investor put all his money into erasers?
A: He was wiped out.

Q: What happened when the lion tamer put his head into the lion’s mouth to count how many teeth he had?
A: The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the lion tamer had.

Q: What happened when the lollipops played against the school team?
A: They got licked.

Q: What happened when the sailor saw his report card?
A: He got “C” sick.

Q: What happened when the school custodian ran for election?
A: He was swept into office.

Q: What happened when the steam hammer was invented?
A: It made a big hit.

Q: What happened when the wheel was invented?
A: It started a revolution.

Q: What happened when the writing class got hungry?
A: They ate their words.

Q: What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?
A: She draws a smack.

Q: What happens when a lion goes to school?
A: Enrollment drops.

Q: What happens when vowels lend money?
A: They end with an IOU.

Q: What happens when you fail geometry?
A: It’s back to square one.

Q: What invincible warrior has a dome-shaped head?
A: Conehead the Barbarian.

Q: What is a forum?
A: Two-um plus two-um.

Q: What is an octopus?
A: An eight-sided cat.

Q: What is grey, has a trunk but no tags, and keeps circling the airport?
A: An unclaimed elephant on the baggage carousel.

Q: What is it called when two students are admitted to college for the price of one?
A: Two-ition.

Q: What is it that we find so easy to get into and so hard to get out of?
A: Bed.

Q: What is lighter than a feather, but can’t be held for five minutes?
A: Your breath.

Q: What is raised in Brazil during the rainy season?
A: Umbrellas.

Q: What is the difference between electricity and lightning?
A: You don’t have to pay for lightning.

Q: What is the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towels.

Q: What is the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day with no Eve.

Q: What job did the skull apply for in science?
A: Department head.

Q: What kind of bee drops its honey?
A: A spilling bee.

Q: What kind of boats are designed for students?
A: Scholarships.

Q: What kind of candy do kids eat at the school playground?
A: Recess pieces.

Q: What kind of dial casts a shadow but should never be asked the time?
A: A crock-a-dial.

Q: What kind of geometric shape keeps falling apart?
A: A wreck-tangle.

Q: What kind of homework do trolls bring home from school?
A: Gnomework.

Q: What kind of invention was the clock?
A: A timely one.

Q: What kind of joe-ks did Einstein like?
A: Wisecracks.

Q: What kind of reviews did the cooking class get?
A: They were panned.

Q: What kind of school book does a tree have?
A: Looseleaf.

Q: What kind of school does Sherlock Holmes attend?
A: Elementary, my dear Watson.

Q: What kind of suit would you wear to a mermaid’s wedding?
A: A wet suit, silly!

Q: What kinds of tests do they give witches?
A: Hex-aminations.

Q: What kind of wood is used to build universities?
A: College boards.

Q: What letter comes after “A”?
A: All the others.

Q: What made ten passengers hurry off the Greyhound?
A: A flea collar.

Q: What math tool do baseball players use?
A: A slide rule.

Q: What mouthwash do bio teachers use?
A: Micro-scope.

Q: What must you pay to get to school?
A: Attention.

Q: What piece of underwear did the law student carry in his attache case?
A: His briefs.

Q: What place in New York do math teachers like?
A: Times Square.

Q: What punctuation mark is the longest?
A: The hundred-yard dash.

Q: What punctuation mark is used in writing dance music?
A: The polka dot.

Q: What school event do labour leaders like?
A: Re-unions.

Q: What sickness do you get when you’re tired of school?
A: Class-trophobia.

Q: What side of a killer shark should you stay away from?
A: The inside.

Q: What snack did the computer laptop have?
A: Computer chips.

Q: What soccer player is never promoted?
A: The left back.

Q: What state has no capital?
A: A state of mind.

Q: What tables don’t you have to learn?
A: Dinner tables.

Q: What team cries when it loses?
A: The bawl team.

Q: What three R’s do cheerleaders have to learn?
A: Rah! Rah! Rah!

Q: What type of math do pilots study?
A: Plane geometry.

Q: What type of math do sharpshooters study?
A: Trigger-nometry.

Q: What is the favorite sermon of the painter-turned-pastor?
A: “Repaint and thin no more.”

Q: What is the Joe-kster’s pen name?
A: He doesn’t have a name for his pen.

Q: What type of vehicle is useful for people with tired feet?
A: A toe truck.

Q: What was Camelot famous for?
A: It’s knight life.

Q: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
A: Speaking Latin.

Q: What was the highest mountain before Mt. Everest was discovered?
A: Mt. Everest, of course.

Q: What was the twins’ specialty in baseball?
A: The double play.

Q: What do you get when you cross a canary with a carrier pigeon?
A: A singing telegram.

Q: What has four heads, runs forward and backwards very fast and loves to play?
A: A VCR.

Q: What has three feet, three eyes and two bills?
A: A duck with spare parts.

Q: What vehicle doesn’t burn gas, but is the most expensive to operate?
A: A supermarket cart.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a banker with a kangaroo?
A: Vault-zing Matilda.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a duck with an alligator?
A: A quack-a-dile.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a germ with a comedian?
A: Sick joe-ks.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a hot-air balloon with a ghost?
A: High spirits.

Q: What would you get if you crossed the geology department with the school band?
A: Rock music.

Q: What would you get if you crossed the music department with the school nurse?
A: A band aid.

Q: What would you get if you crossed the school library with a genius?
A: A novel idea.

Q: What’s a bird’s favourite software?
A: A seedy ROM.

Q: What’s a cat’s best subject?
A: Meow-sic.

Q: What’s a frankfurter’s favourite car?
A: A Rolls.

Q: What’s a geology teacher’s favourite movie?
A: Rocky.

Q: What’s a history teacher’s favourite quiz show?
A: The Dating Game.

Q: What’s a hockey team’s motto?
A: “The puck stops here.”

Q: What’s a magician’s favourite subject?
A: Trick-enometry.

Q: What’s a mushroom?
A: The place where they store school food.

Q: What’s a parrot’s best subject?
A: Polly-tics.

Q: What’s a pig’s skin used for?
A: To keep the pig together.

Q: What’s a pronoun?
A: A noun that gets paid.

Q: What’s a report card?
A: A poison pen letter written by a teacher.

Q: What’s a spendthrift’s favourite subject?
A: Shop.

Q: What’s a synonym?
A: A word you use when you can’t spell the other word.

Q: What’s a teacher?
A: One who uses marking pens for penning marks.

Q: What’s an American president’s occupation?
A: Cabinetmaker.

Q: What’s an astronaut’s favourite place on a computer?
A: The space bar.

Q: What’s big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mother’s day?
A: The school bus.

Q: What’s more accurate than a digital watch and able to tell time with a single bound?
A: Clock Kent.

Q: What’s orange, good for your eyes, and jumps out of airplanes?
A: Carrot-troopers.

Q: What’s the best looking geometric figure?
A: Acute triangle.

Q: What’s the best part of the school year?
A: Summer vacation.

Q: What’s the best way to cut down on air pollution in schools?
A: Use unleaded pencils.

Q: What’s the best way to pass a geometry test?
A: Know all the angles.

Q: What’s the capital of Arkansas?
A: A.

Q: What’s the connecting link between the animal and vegetable kingdoms?
A: Stew.

Q: What’s the difference between a baker and an overweight sleeper?
A: One bakes the bread, the other breaks the bed.

Q: What’s the difference between a baseball announcer and an abusive dog owner?
A: One spots the hit, the other hits the Spot.

Q: What’s the difference between a bird watcher and a bad speller?
A: One watches birds and the other botches words.

Q: What’s the difference between a clumsy acrobat on ice and a gutsy acrobat at Niagara Falls?
A: One falls over the barrels, the other barrels over the falls.

Q: What’s the difference between a computer and a prison warden?
A: One executes a program, the other programs an execution.

Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit bill and a rabbit with mental problems?
A: One is bad money, the other is a mad bunny.

Q: What’s the difference between a failing math student and a rabbit?
A: The rabbit can multiply.

Q: What’s the difference between a gambler and a person who contributes to charities?
A: One cashes in his chips, the other chips in his cash.

Q: What’s the difference between a garbage truck and an army cafeteria?
A: One hauls a mess, the other’s a mess hall.

Q: What’s the difference between a glacier and a snow cone?
A: You can eat a snow cone in one afternoon.

Q: What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?
A: You push a pen but a pencil must be lead.

Q: What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a cold?
A: One knows the stops and the other stops the nose.

Q: What’s the difference between a stool pigeon and an earthquake?
A: One cracks under pressure, the other pressures under cracks.

Q: What’s the difference between a train conductor and a teacher?
A: One minds the train and other trains the mind.

Q: What’s the difference between an active verb and a passive verb?
A: An active verb shows action and a passive verb shows passion.

Q: What’s the difference between Cinderella’s shoe and a kid who plays hooky?
A: One’s a glass slipper, the other’s a class skipper.

Q: What’s the difference between teachers and trains?
A: Trains say “Choo Choo!” and teachers say “Spit that gum out!”

Q: What’s the first thing to do with a barrel of crude oil?
A: Teach it some manners.

Q: What’s the hardest part of grammar for criminals?
A: The prison sentence.

Q: What’s the highest quality school class?
A: First grade.

Q: What’s the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
A: You can’t keep a good man down.

Q: What’s the most educated room in the house?
A: The study.

Q: What’s the most educated scientific instrument?
A: A thermometer because it has so many degrees.

Q: What’s the most important thing about 18th Century scientists?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What’s worse than looking into the eye of a great white shark?
A: Looking into his tonsils.

Q: What’s yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A: A dead school bus.

Q: When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
A: Rust in peace.

Q: When do math teachers die?
A: When their number is up.

Q: When do you use both a desk and a table at school?
A: When you’re doing multiplication.

Q: When does a track star put a faucet on his leg?
A: When he has water on the knee.

Q: When does school usually begin?
A: Too soon.

Q: When fish swim in schools, who helps their teacher?
A: The herring aid.

Q: When gym teachers take planes, what class do they travel in?
A: Coach.

Q: When is a teacher like a bird of prey?
A: When she watches you like a hawk.

Q: When is attendance at school like a gift?
A: When you’re present.

Q: When is it correct to say, “I is”?
A: When the teacher asks, “What is the letter after ‘H’?”

When my grandfather died, he left us 500 clocks – it’ll take forever to wind up his estate.

Q: When was the Great Depression?
A: The last time I got my report card.

Q: When water becomes ice, what is the greatest change?
A: The price.

Q: When was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A: When they had lots of sleepless knights.

Q: When were the Dark Ages?
A: During the days of the knights.

Q: Where are army recruits trained?
A: At private school.

Q: Where did Batman learn?
A: At the fly-by-night school.

Q: Where did high-school student’s younger brother go to school?
A: Junior high.

Q: Where did King Arthur send his court?
A: Knight school.

Q: Where did the Cyclops go after the sixth grade?
A: To junior eye school.

Q: Where did the door get its education?
A: The school of hard knocks.

Q: Where did the fireplace go to school?
A: Kindle-garten.

Q: Where did the gangplank get it’s education?
A: At boarding school.

Q: Where did the ornamental bracelet get its education?
A: Charm school.

Q: Where did the Pilgrims land when they came to America?
A: On their feet.

Q: Where did the rhino sit in the school band?
A: In the horn section.

Q: Where do athletes go to college?
A: The uni-varsity.

Q: Where do belly dancers get their education?
A: At the Navel Academy.

Q: Where do children in Finland study?
A: At Finishing school.

Q: Where do compasses get their education?
A: West Point.

Q: Where do computers go to dance?
A: A disk-o.

Q: Where do cows get their education?
A: Second dairy school.

Q: Where do detergents sit in the ballpark?
A: In the bleachers.

Q: Where do furniture polishers get their education?
A: At finishing school.

Q: Where do math teachers go to eat?
A: The lunch counter.

Q: Where do mothers learn to feed their babies?
A: Nursery school.

Q: Where do politicians learn to be candidates?
A: Primary school.

Q: Where do report cards get their education?
A: In grade school.

Q: Where do sheep go after high school?
A: The ewe-niversity.

Q: Where do sleepy students carry their books?
A: In a napsack.

Q: Where do travel agents learn their trade?
A: Vacational school.

Q: Where do small intestines go to school?
A: Kidney-garten.

Q: Where do track stars keep their valuables?
A: In a pole vault.

Q: Where do you do arithmetic?
A: On multiplication tables.

Q: Where do you find Canada?
A: On a map.

Q: Where do you go to take a course in making ice cream?
A: Sundae school.

Q: Where do you learn proper English?
A: Grammar school.

Q: Where does a dwarf go to school?
A: An institute of lower learning.

Q: Where does a student talk about his experiments?
A: In the science blab.

Q: Where does it never rain?
A: Under an umbrella.

Q: Where does King Arthur keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.

Q: Where does milk come from?
A: The supermarket.

Q: Where is milk stored?
A: In a cow.

Q: Where’s the best place to grow flowers in a school?
A: In the kinder-garden.

Q: Where’s the fencing coach?
A: Out to lunge.

Q: Which football player smells the most?
A: Offensive right guard.

Q: Which month has 28 days?
A: They all do.

Q: Who always fires the cannon at military school?
A: Some big shot.

Q: Who are the happiest people on the football field?
A: The cheerleaders.

Q: Who are the most athletic boys?
A: Physical Ed and Jim.

Q: Who arrested the tennis team?
A: The racket squad.

Q: Who did the math teacher date?
A: A real hot number.

Q: Who did the science teacher give his Bunsen burner to?
A: His old flame.

Q: Who does everyone in college confide in?
A: The Dean of Admissions.

Q: Who gets all dressed up and draws on napkins?
A: Hanky Doodle Dandy.

Q: Who guards the school library?
A: The bookkeeper.

Q: Who invented King Arthur’s round table?
A: Sir Cumference.

Q: Who invented the first pen?
A: The Incas.

Q: Who is in charge of school supplies?
A: The ruler.

Q: Who only reads underground?
A: Bookworms.

Q: Who replaced the teacher?
A: The subst-toot.

Q: Who studies on the highway?
A: Road scholars.

Q: Who teaches goats at home?
A: Their nanny.

Q: Who teaches students to play the flute?
A: Private tooters.

Q: Who was the biggest thief in history?
A: Atlas – he held up the whole world.

Q: Who was the first couple to study science?
A: Atom and Eve.

Q: Who was the most feared student in the Old West?
A: Bully the Kid.

Q: Who wears different kinds of clothing all at the same time?
A: A student body.

Q: Why are lobsters red?
A: You would be too if you swam around in a supermarket tank with no clothes on.

Q: Why are pilots bad at basketball?
A: They keep traveling.

Q: Why are sardines the dubm-est fish?
A: Who else would lock themselves in a can and leave the key outside?

Q: Why are school buses yellow?
A: Because they ran out of purple.

Q: Why are teachers rather special?
A: They are usually in a class by themselves.

Q: Why aren’t babies allowed to take tests?
A: Because they all have crib sheets.

Q: Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane are going to do next?
A: They’re easy to read.

Q: Why couldn’t the elephant join the swimming team?
A: It forgot its trunks.

Q: Why couldn’t the flower go to school on its bike?
A: The peddles were broken.

Q: Why couldn’t the music teacher get into the classroom?
A: All the keys were in the piano.

Q: Why couldn’t the ruler stand up in class?
A: It only had one foot.

Q: Why couldn’t the tree answer the teacher’s question?
A: It was stumped.

Q: Why did Arthur have a round table?
A: So no one could corner him.

Q: Why did Columbus discover America?
A: So something could happen in 1492.

Q: Why did Eve want to move to New York?
A: She fell for the Big Apple.

Q: Why did everyone think the English teacher was very old?
A: She said she taught Shakespeare.

Q: Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
A: He liked to chop and change.

Q: Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
A: He wanted Mark Antony.

Q: Why did Larry and Curly bring their brother to school?
A: It was Moe-and-tell time.

Q: Why did the 25-watt bulb flunk out of school?
A: He wasn’t very bright.

Q: Why did the absent-minded professor put glue on his head?
A: He thought it would make things stick in his mind.

Q: Why did the art student study math?
A: So she could paint by number.

Q: Why did the art teacher paint the alphabet crimson?
A: He wanted it to be a red-letter day.

Q: Why did the art teacher put her colours on a diet?
A: To make the paint thinner.

Q: Why did the art teacher take her paints to the track meet?
A: Because the colours ran.

Q: Why did the astronomy teacher search through the school cafeteria utensils?
A: He was looking for the big dipper.

Q: Why did the baby computer stay away from school?
A: It had a bad virus.

Q: Why did the baby go to chemistry class?
A: To learn formulas.

Q: Why did the baker go to math class?
A: To learn the value of pi.

Q: Why did the banana become a cheerleader?
A: So it could do banana splits.

Q: Why did the bear join the school paper?
A: It wanted to be a cub reporter.

Q: Why did the beautician go to school?
A: The teacher was giving a make-up exam.

Q: Why did the bird watcher study his throat?
A: So he could catch a few swallows.

Q: Why did the blackboard get mad at school?
A: It got rubbed the wrong way.

Q: Why did the book need a chiropractor?
A: It had a paperback.

Q: Why did the butcher go to medical school?
A: He wanted to learn to cure ham.

Q: Why did the cabbie rush to school?
A: To take a crash course.

Q: Why did the camera club go to the track meet?
A: They were hoping for a photo finish.

Q: Why did the captain go to college?
A: For the major.

Q: Why did the carpenter study math?
A: So he could build multiplication tables.

Q: Why did the coach bring the crate to the baseball game?
A: He wanted to see the box score.

Q: Why did the composer coach the baseball team?
A: Because he knew how to score.

Q: Why did the computer screen go to school?
A: So it could become a school monitor.

Q: Why did the cow study rocketry?
A: To visit the Milky Way.

Q: Why did the electrician go to school?
A: To study current events.

Q: Why did the cafeteria worker want to become a detective?
A: So she could grill the hot dogs.

Q: Why did the captain miss school?
A: Because he was a skipper.

Q: Why did the cat take a computer course?
A: To get hold of a mouse.

Q: Why did the caterpillar go to the library?
A: It wanted to become a bookworm.

Q: Why did the chicken go to school?
A: For eggstra credit.

Q: Why did the chicken like school so much?
A: It was egg-citing!

Q: Why did the computer go to the school cafeteria?
A: It wanted a few bytes.

Q: Why did the cow quit school?
A: She had a beef with the teacher.

Q: Why did the crazy gymnast stay on the beam?
A: He was unbalanced.

Q: Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
A: He only had one pupil.

Q: Why did the diaper quit the wrestling team?
A: It was always getting pinned.

Q: Why did the donut join the basketball team?
A: To practice dunking.

Q: Why did the drama club break their legs?
A: So they could have a cast party.

Q: Why did the drama club put in detention?
A: They kept acting up.

Q: Why did the drama club stop functioning?
A: They couldn’t get their act together.

Q: Why did the English student stuff a handkerchief in his mouth?
A: So he could become a gag writer.

Q: Why did the entertainer go to school?
A: He had a class act.

Q: Why did the exchange student take his books on the boat?
A: So he could study overseas.

Q: Why did the exterminator go to the camera club?
A: It was full of shutterbugs.

Q: Why did the failing student apply for a charge card?
A: She needed extra credit.

Q: Why did the failing student feel ashamed?
A: He was degraded.

Q: Why did the farmer go to school?
A: He heard they were having a field trip.

Q: Why did the fashion-conscious student fail?
A: She had a clothes mind.

Q: Why did the fish miss the English class?
A: It got hooked on phonics.

Q: Why did the fly head for the alarm clock?
A: He wanted to land on time.

Q: Why did the football coach send in the second string?
A: To tie up the score.

Q: Why did the football player carry a spare pencil?
A: In case they needed an extra point.

Q: Why did the giant go to college?
A: So he could be a big man on campus.

Q: Why did the girl get an “incomplete” in her Italian class?
A: She never turned in her Rome work.

Q: Why did the girl refuse to stand in line to get to the auditorium?
A: She didn’t want to be on an assembly line.

Q: Why did the glee club members get along so well together?
A: They were all in a chord.

Q: Why did the guitar leave music class?
A: Everyone kept picking on it.

Q: Why did the headless horseman go to college?
A: To join the student body.

Q: Why did the high school senior tie himself up?
A: So he’d be bound for college.

Q: Why did the high school student try out for soccer?
A: It was his goal in life.

Q: Why did the history book go out so much?
A: It had a lot of dates.

Q: Why did the ice cream cone join the school newspaper?
A: It knew all the scoops.

Q: Why did the injured skeleton take up sewing?
A: So his bones would knit.

Q: Why did the jailer buy a microscope?
A: He liked to look at cells.

Q: Why did the janitor join the wrestling team?
A: So he could mop up the floor with his opponent.

Q: Why did the janitor quit his job?
A: He wanted to make a clean sweep.

Q: Why did the kids get wet going to school?
A: There were in a carpool.

Q: Why did the lazy student think he could become an astronaut?
A: His teacher told him he was taking up space.

Q: Why did the left-handed student fail his essay test?
A: He couldn’t right.

Q: Why did the lettuce study so hard?
A: It wanted to be at the head of its class.

Q: Why did the little girl watch the alphabet?
A: She was told to min her P’s and Q’s.

Q: Why did the locomotive go to the gym?
A: To join the track team.

Q: Why did the long-distance runner get good grades?
A: He was on track.

Q: Why did the mailman take the alphabet?
A: So he could deliver the letters.

Q: Why did the math teacher join the glee club?
A: She wanted to sing in a few numbers.

Q: Why did the math teacher retire?
A: His number was up.

Q: Why did the millionaire give the music school a new piano?
A: He was an organ donor.

Q: Why did the navigator want to go away to college?
A: He wanted to live on compass.

Q: Why did the optometrist go to school?
A: To keep an eye on things.

Q: Why did the orange go home early?
A: It wasn’t peeling too well.

Q: Why did the pencil sharpener keep arguing with the pencil?
A: The sharpener was trying to make a point.

Q: Why did the piano teacher chase the elephant with a feather?
A: She wanted to tickle his ivories.

Q: Why did the Pilgrims wear tall funny hats?
A: So years later joe-ks could be made about them in joe-ks.com!

Q: Why did the plywood join the debating team?
A: So it could have a panel discussion.

Q: Why did the policeman study the alphabet?
A: To follow the letter of the law.

Q: Why did the pool player ruin the school play?
A: He missed his cue.

Q: Why did the quarterback go to college?
A: To get a passing grade.

Q: Why did the robin flunk out of school?
A: He was a bird brain.

Q: Why did the Romans build straight roads?
A: So their soldiers didn’t go around the bend.

Q: Why did the school bell think it was engaged?
A: Someone gave it a ring.

Q: Why did the school camera club close?
A: It lost its focus.

Q: Why did the school orchestra terminate?
A: It was disbanded.

Q: Why did the school paper take 365 days to come out?
A: It wanted to be a yearbook.

Q: Why did the school teacher excuse the firefly?
A: Because if you have to glow, you have to glow.

Q: Why did the science teacher and her husband get divorced?
A: They didn’t have the right chemistry.

Q: Why did the skeleton go to school?
A: To bone up on a few things.

Q: Why did the soldiers go to college?
A: To pick a major.

Q: Why did the soloist turn her back on the school band?
A: She didn’t want to face the music.

Q: Why did the speed demon go to class?
A: To take an accelerated course.

Q: Why did the spirit study English?
A: To become a ghostwriter.

Q: Why did the student beat up his text books?
A: He was told to hit the books.

Q: Why did the student bring a ladder to school?
A: He was interested in higher education.

Q: Why did the student bring his wallet to speech class?
A: He heard that money talks.

Q: Why did the student carry a parachute to school?
A: He was planning to drop out.

Q: Why did the student come to school with two clocks?
A: He wanted to keep up with the times.

Q: Why did the student eat geometric figures?
A: So he could have three square meals a day.

Q: Why did the student glue himself to his report?
A: He was trying to stick to the subject.

Q: Why did the student put on eyeliner and mascara in school?
A: Because the teacher said she was giving the class a make-up exam.

Q: Why did the student take her math homework to gym class?
A: She wanted to work out her problems.

Q: Why did the student take sour cream to the swimming pool?
A: He wanted to take a dip in the pool.

Q: Why did the student think his teacher was colour-blind?
A: Because every time she caught him cheating, she said she was seeing red.

Q: Why did the student think she was aging quickly?
A: She was told she would be a senior the next year.

Q: Why did the student throw Alka Seltzer into the swimming pool?
A: So he could study fizz ed.

Q: Why did the student wear a leash to school?
A: He wanted to be teacher’s pet.

Q: Why did the substitute football player start a fire?
A: Because the coach told him to warm the bench.

Q: Why did the supermodel get an “A” in math?
A: She was great with figures.

Q: Why did the teacher bring honey to school?
A: She wanted bee students.

Q: Why did the teacher put rubber bands on her students’ heads?
A: So they could make snap decisions.

Q: Why did the teacher take away the student’s scissors?
A: She didn’t want him to cut class.

Q: Why did the teacher try to return her pupils?
A: They were exchange students.

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright.

Q: Why did the teacher’s watch go “tick, tick, tick”?
A: It wasn’t allowed to tock in class.

Q: Why did the tennis player bring a tray to practice?
A: It was his turn to serve.

Q: Why did the thermometer go to college?
A: To pick up a few degrees.

Q: Why did the third grader bring a lightbulb to school?
A: He had a bright idea.

Q: Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
A: He heard they needed a little school spirit.

Q: Why did the track star enter the student government?
A: So he could run for office.

Q: Why did the track star repave the driveway?
A: The coach told him to do a little road work.

Q: Why did the track team bring a gate to the gym?
A: She wanted to take fencing lessons.

Q: Why did the track team buy CD’s?
A: They were always breaking records.

Q: Why did the tree pick up a book?
A: To leaf through it.

Q: Why did the vampire want to go to the biology class?
A: He heard the teacher was an old bat.

Q: Why did the vowels take driver’s ed?
A: So they could make a U turn.

Q: Why did the washcloth leave the boxing match?
A: Someone threw in the towel.

Q: Why did the wheel get a liberal education?
A: It was well-rounded.

Q: Why did the word processor fall in love with the English teacher?
A: She was his type.

Q: Why did they call the geology teacher crazy?
A: He had rocks in his head.

Q: Why did they say the school band was unsinkable?
A: Nobody could drown them out.

Q: Why did they stop playing water polo at school?
A: All the horses kept drowning.

Q: Why did they stop using the car for driver’s ed?
A: It was retired.

Q: Why didn’t the bowling pins go to school?
A: They were on strike.

Q: Why didn’t the dry cleaner finish the test?
A: He had pressing problems.

Q: Why didn’t the girls’ softball team wear stockings?
A: They had runs in them.

Q: Why didn’t the lamb graduate?
A: It was left baa-ck.

Q: Why didn’t the school alarm go off in time?
A: It was a dumb bell.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton like to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: Why didn’t the teacher believe the little ghost’s excuse?
A: She could see right through it.

Q: Why do cafeteria workers wear roller blades?
A: So they can serve fast food.

Q: Why do dogs go to graduations?
A: To pick up their masters’ degrees.

Q: Why do electric eels go to college?
A: Because they are so bright.

Q: Why do flamingoes stand on one leg?
A: If they didn’t, they’d fall on their faces.

Q: Why do geometric figures never meet?
A: They travel in different circles.

Q: Why do ghosts go to school?
A: To get a dead-ucation.

Q: Why do ghosts make great cheerleaders?
A: They have lots of spirit.

Q: Why do magicians do so well in school?
A: They’re good at trick questions.

Q: Why do old school teachers never die?
A: They just grade away.

Q: Why do students join the soccer team?
A: Just for kicks.

Q: Why do teachers give homework?
A: So students will have something to do when they’re not watching TV.

Q: Why do textbooks carry beepers?
A: So they can get pages.

Q: Why does a math teacher have his head in the clouds?
A: Because he offers pi in the sky.

Q: Why does history keep repeating itself?
A: Because we weren’t listening the first time.

Q: Why doesn’t the Board of Health let bakeries sell orange juice?
A: Because bakers can’t be juicers.

Q: Why don’t geology teachers like modern music?
A: Because they are squares.

Q: Why don’t librarians end the rules?
A: They play by the book.

Q: Why don’t peaches like school?
A: They say it’s the pits.

Q: Why don’t schools cheat?
A: They have principals.

Q: Why is 2 + 2 = 5 like our left foot?
A: Because it isn’t right.

Q: Why is a boat the cheapest form of transportation?
A: It runs on water.

Q: Why is a geometry teacher so boring?
A: Because he’s a square and talks in circles.

Q: Why is a poor math student like a crossed telephone line?
A: They both get a lot of wrong numbers.

Q: Why is a school day like jury trial?
A: They both end in recess.

Q: Why is arithmetic such hard work?
A: Because of all the numbers you have to carry.

Q: Why is Noah called the father of the circle?
A: He made the first arc.

Q: Why is the pen mightier than the sword?
A: No one ever invented a ballpoint sword.

Q: Why is the playground larger at recess?
A: Because there are more feet in it.

Q: Why is the school auditorium like a children’s toy?
A: There’s always assembly required.

Q: Why should you never dot another person’s “I”?
A: Because you should keep your eyes on your own paper.

Q: Why shouldn’t you pollute the ocean?
A: Because it makes the sea sick.

Q: Why shouldn’t you throw plastic bags into swamps in Louisiana?
A: Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

Q: Why was the alphabet tired out?
A: It was spellbound.

Q: Why was the astronomy teacher dizzy?
A: She kept seeing stars.

Q: Why was the cafeteria fueled by lamps?
A: They were serving a light lunch.

Q: Why was the cannibal suspended?
A: He tried to butter up his teacher.

Q: Why was the classroom so crowded?
A: It was the class of 2005.

Q: Why was the computer printer thrown out of school?
A: It copied.

Q: Why was the dried grape called on in school?
A: It was raisin its hand.

Q: Why was the driver’s ed teacher fired?
A: He couldn’t get it into gear.

Q: Why was the driver’s ed teacher so lucky?
A: He had all the brakes.

Q: Why was the dropout asked to leave the elegant party?
A: He had no class.

Q: Why was the football coach nervous during overtime play?
A: It was sudden death.

Q: Why was the geography teacher so popular with her students?
A: She gave them a lot of latitude.

Q: Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII?
Q: She was trying to get a-head.

Q: Why was the headmaster worried?
A: Because there were too many rulers in school.

Q: Why was the jump rope thrown out of school?
A: It kept skipping classes.

Q: Why was the library so crowded?
A: It was booked up.

Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had so many stories.

Q: Why was the little bird punished?
A: It was caught peeping during a test.

Q: Why was the little schoolhouse red?
A: They ran out of green paint.

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.

Q: Why was the math teacher so self-absorbed?
A: He was looking out for number one.

Q: Why was the music teacher accused of cruelty?
A: She beat the drums.

Q: Why was the music teacher fired?
A: He went off on a tangent.

Q: Why was the pony suspended from school?
A: For horsing around.

Q: Why was the school library so small?
A: Too many short stories.

Q: Why was the school newspaper delivered in the submarine?
A: It had a subscription.

Q: Why was the snake so bouncy?
A: It was viper-active.

Q: Why was the steer suspended from school?
A: He was the class bully.

Q: Why was the student jealous of the Mongolians?
A: Because they had a ruler with an iron hand and she only had a ruler with a wooden foot.

Q: Why was the swimming coach fired?
A: He kept going off the deep end.

Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
A: Because he couldn’t control his pupils.

Q: Why was the voice teacher so good at baseball?
A: She had perfect pitch.

Q: Why was the witch first in her class?
A: She was a good speller.

Q: Why were all the computer users standing in a row?
A: They were online.

Q: Why were the vegetables angry at the teacher?
A: She asked them to split off into pears.

Q: Why were everyone’s grades slanted?
A: The teacher marked on a curve.

Q: Why were the music students allowed to roam the hall?
A: They had notes from their teacher.

Q: Why were the poorer students removed from school?
A: They were outclassed.

Q: Why were the students able to study underwater?
A: Because they had a sub.

Q: Why were the students in the boating class so confused?
A: They were off course.

Q: Why were the walls of the university covered with ivy?
A: Because they couldn’t afford paint.

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.

Can you re-tire from driver’s ed?

In Transylvania we learn to Count.

A first grader slipped in the school hall and skinned his knee. A teacher came up to him, examined his knee and said, “Remember, big boys don’t cry.”
The boy answered, “I’m not going to cry. I’m going to sue.”

What’s that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke.

Notice in school cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the school cafeteria.”
Someone wrote below the notice: “Socks can eat whatever they want.”

1st Roman Soldier: “What is the time?”
2nd Roman Soldier: “XX past VII.”

Old principals never die – they just lose their faculties.

Staying in school is a Capital idea.

Time for school… Up And Atom!

Yellow Jacket: “Are you good in school?”
Wasp: “Yes – I’m a bee student.”

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The Funny Jokes Archives
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	Animal Jokes (101) The chicken crossing the road is only the start of the story with this collection of furry funnies.		Lawyer Jokes (66) At light hearted look at those pillars of society and leaders in the field of ethics!
	Bar Jokes (167) A collection of some of the finest bar jokes, and drinking humor anywhere on the web.		Political Jokes (103) My favorite section, the politicians provide a never ending stream of jokes.
	Blonde Jokes (114) Everything from blonde questions and answers to full blown (sic) humorous blonde stories.		Redneck Jokes (148) It's time poke a little fun at the good 'ol boys. You know who you are!
	Computers & IT Jokes (84) Everything from helpdesk howlers to the Madness of King Bill!		Relationship Jokes (124) From the harmony and bliss of marriage, to angelic children and more...
	Criminal Humor (48) Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we laugh at you... etc.		Religious Jokes (58) In God we may trust, but in priests, vicars and nuns we have a good laugh!
	Cultural Differences (36) Just a little fun on the differences between our many nationalities and how we all love each other!		Sports Jokes (23) Sportsmen and women of the world unite in the silliness of our passion for pain!
	Doctor, Doctor Jokes (106) Have a laugh at those white coated maniacs who drink and smoke more than us.		Stupid Jokes (45) They're like kids jokes, only you're all allowed to laugh at them... honest!
	Education Jokes (51) Ah the student life, cheap beer, dirty dishes, and no discernable work to do!		Travel Jokes (65) Planes. trains and automobiles all given an even dose of humor.
	Insults (284) Stuck for a witty put down? Want to degrade and humiliate family members? Come on in!		Work related Jokes (82) We go everyday, usually hate it, and you should probably be doing it right now!
	Kids Jokes (113) Loads of one-liners, silly stories and general fun for kids of all ages, 5 to 90!		Joke of the Month Our favorite joke submited by you in our monthly Joke Competition.